“It’s too much,” my friend said on the phone recently, her voice catching. “I’m trying to work from home and I’m supposed to be homeschooling and making meals. I’m also apparently supposed to be preparing for major changes in the economy and checking on all my friends and neighbors. Oh, and saving money and supporting local businesses. I’m supposed to be making this time calm and magical for my kids, too. There are supposed to be forts. And chalk art. Bear hunts. Keeping a COVID journal for my great-great-granddaughter. All this stuff. But most days, I’m not even showering. I can’t do all this stuff.”
My friend’s words hit me hard. Hearing all the expectations she is shouldering – right now made me feel overwhelmed – not just for her, but for all of us.
How do we honor our commitments to our families, our work, and ourselves during such unprecedented times? What does our “best” look like right now?
Something in me has shifted in the last week, as we enter week 1,793 of sheltering in place.
Life is being distilled down to the moments. I’ve given up on being magical 24/7 – or even 3/2.
Instead, I am being intentional about little moments.
Yesterday, I spent what felt like way too long sitting with my coffee in the kitchen, gazing into space. I lost complete track of time. Somehow, almost two hours passed. The coffee went cold. My thoughts churned, my stomach knotted and unknotted and knotted again.
“Ugh! I feel so unproductive!” I told a colleague mid-morning. “I don’t even know what I am doing with myself right now!”
But then, I pushed myself back from my coffee cup. I could be intentional – just for 10 minutes. I gathered up my teenagers and my husband – the dogs and a jabbering parakeet joined in, too.
“Hey. How are you guys? What are you learning? What do you need?” My kids spoke through broad smiles and through tears – sometimes in the same breath. My husband made a corny dad joke – something about ear hair and not being able to hear and the bit 5-0 looming large.
The cobwebs in my brain and in my soul cleared – at least for a while. A sense of gratitude and encouragement washed through the room. It was fleeting, but it was a moment. And now, just a day later, I see that it’s a memory – one that will carry us through our week.
Maybe it’s not about being great and shouldering all of those expectations. Maybe it’s about rallying as we can – being the architect of those little moments of encouragement and love. We can do it.
If you turn on the news, it’s especially easy to become consumed by negativity right now. The media isn’t to blame for this. The news in our world is awfully grim right now, and it is the responsibility of journalists to keep us informed about how to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe, while also calling out systemic issues that need to be addressed, too.
But while awareness of what is going on is important – and potentially life-saving – it can’t consume all our time. We have to find ways to look away from the darkness and to see the good and opportunity around us. Otherwise, we will absolutely not be able to maintain our sanity during this long stretch of isolation/social distancing. Pacing ourselves and monitoring how much bad news we consume is essential.
Part of pacing ourselves is looking for the good around us – things that give us hope, bring us joy, or make us laugh. I will even go with things that distract us right now, allowing us to think about something beyond ventillator shortages and shelter in place orders.
Here are a few things getting me through.
Creative people continuing to use their talents to brighten our worlds. See the photo attached with this post? This comforting greeting at the front of our neighborhood was created by three of our neighbors. They wanted to use their talents to create a sense of hope and they did what it took to make that happen. I admire that they didn’t stop to overthink it. They didn’t wait for someone possibly more talented or with better resources to take action. They didn’t worry that some people might not agree with their artistic vision, or that everyone would not appreciate it. They had an idea and they executed. There is something to be said for taking action during such an uncertain world. I’m awfully thankful my neighbors did.
2. Opportunities to regroup and possibly do something new. Many of us don’t like change. But me? I have always reveled in it. I have long felt like I am at my best when something new needs to be created. Paradigms are shifting right now – more quickly than we can even recognize. While the uncertainty can make me a little nervous for my finances – and the future my children will inherit – there also is something really exciting about all that needs to be created right now, in this moment of great shift.
3. Reminders of who – and what – matters most. Some of our core values as a nation have been off kilter for a good while now – if we ever even had them right in the first place. This crisis has reminded us of who is and is not essential. The superheroes among us right now are not professional athletes or musicians or financiers. We are reminded – in dramatic ways – that we desperately need our grocery store workers. Nurses. Respiratory therapists. Teachers. School cafeteria workers. Sanitation workers. Pharmacy techs. Public health experts. State funded researchers. Scientists at the CDC. As we continue deeper into this, we are going to see that school counselors and social workers and therapists are out there doing essential work every day, too. I continue to hope that when we come out on the other side of this, we will look at the pay structures in place for folks who do such important work.
4. A shift in what is viewed as “women’s work” by many. I think that women, particularly, are revolting right now against expectations being placed on them, and are finally openly saying, “Nope. I can’t do this alone.” We are recognizing that no, we cannot – and do not have the desire to – work full-time, “homeschool” full-time, and care for the emotional and physical needs of our children and aging parents full-time. We also most definitely cannot do it all perfectly. I have noticed a shift in work loads, and in who is doing what. With more men working from home, many seem to be stepping up, as children are home and still expected to learn. This will, I hope, lead to a greater sense of equity in the home going forward. Maybe it will lead to more men working from home long-term, too.
5. A greater appreciation for mindfulness and living in the present. Whew. Have you noticed that everyone seems to be giving mindfulness and meditation a shot right now? And do you see how absurd it can feel to worry so much about the future, when no one knows what it will even look like – or when our “new normal” will even begin? While we need to be prudent and proactive when possible, we also need to recognize that really, we only have this moment. Nothing beyond that is guaranteed. So, let’s hug our kids. Pet our dogs. Listen to the music. Skype with our family and friends – even the ones that maybe we were a smidge grumpy with before all this madness started. Let’s savor our dinner and enjoy the feel of the sun our faces for a few moments longer. This is what we have, for sure.
6. Recognition that some things just aren’t that serious. I am finding myself really appreciating entertainment more now than I have in a while. My 16-year-old and I have marveled at the joy that the utterly ridiculous Tiger King documentary on Netflix has given us. It will not change the world, or make us smarter or better humans. It will not help my kids secure higher ACT scores or better grades or additional service hours (I mean, are we even COUNTING any of those right now?) But sometimes, you just really, really need a laugh. (Take it where you can, all you cool cats and kittens. )
What do you think? What is getting you through during this time? What makes you happy or gives you comfort or hope going forward? What is entertaining you just when you need it most?
Monique Writes All 